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I watch a lot of Untouchables reruns. 
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This reminds me of Mafia bosses in Chicago. Jack is characterized well as a clam hard-ass, which I like.
You do a good job of setting up realistic clothing.
Two suggestions, are in all caps for easy distinction:
"only he was WEARING a brown fedora" or "only he WORE a brown fedora"
"Everyone IN the room could feel the tension,"
You do a good job of setting up realistic clothing.
Two suggestions, are in all caps for easy distinction:
"only he was WEARING a brown fedora" or "only he WORE a brown fedora"
"Everyone IN the room could feel the tension,"